Six.

Tee: Old Navy Blazer: Old Navy Shorts: Old Navy Wedges: Payless Necklace: Gift

Some of my latest reflections: 

Ultimately, I am really happy with who I am.  I am a good person who does the right thing, cares for others, but also places a lot of importance on caring for myself.  I'm smart, friendly, and talented.  I have a compassionate heart, particularly for children and animals.

The way that I had always pictured my life is not really what I want anymore.  I want more from life - I want purpose and excitement and meaningful relationships.  I won't be content to just keep on going through the motions.

I want to start living more for me, and not somebody else.  My life is my life and as long as I keep on doing the right thing and treating others well, I am capable of making my own decisions.  I am lucky to have a partner who feels similarly.  We both make sacrifices so that each other can be happy as individuals and as a united couple.

I'm not 100% sure what is in the future for me, but I'm going to do my absolute best to make intentional decisions so I don't get bored with my safe, expected life.

Bodies.

Shirt: Old Navy Skirt: Target Flats: Payless Necklace: Gift from sister-in-law

(Yep, I was falling over in this picture...)

So, for my job this summer, I'm required to wear black or khaki bottoms.  Shorts, which are necessary in the hot and humid Minnesota summers, have to be longer than your fingertips when your hands are at your sides.  I rarely wear shorts, and only have a few pairs, none of which fit the criteria for my work.  This weekend, I decided I was going to find some shorts and capris to wear this summer.

I went to several stores to try on different options.  Four stores.  Well over 20 pairs of shorts and capris.  Different styles, different cuts, different sizes.  NOTHING WORKED.  I walked out of each store nearly in tears.  I said to Kevin, "I can't find anything that fits me.  Shorts look terrible on me.  Why can't I just wear dresses and skirts all the time?"  I haven't felt that discouraged and awful about myself in a long, long time.

See, I've struggled with my body for years and years.  In college, I survived an eating disorder.  I went to therapy to help me correct my thought patterns and to manage my perfectionism and need for control.  It took about four years of counseling to get through it all, but I officially "graduated" from therapy last spring.  While my eating patterns have been in control now, the voice behind the eating disorder is still loud and clear in my head.  It has been hard for me to get my body into a healthier weight (which I know is something I need to do) because I'm afraid any amount of diet shifting or increased exercise will trigger the disordered eating again.  I don't eat particularly terrible now, and I exercise 3-4 days a week (I'm training for a 5K!).  However, my body hasn't changed, and I'm getting upset about it.  Trying on pants this weekend was really difficult for me and just solidified all the negative and discouraged feelings I've been having.

In the past week or so, some of my favorite blogs (Allie at Wardrobe Oxygen, Katie at Hems for Her, and Nicole at Writes Like a Girl) have written about self-confidence, self-esteem, and body acceptance.  Their posts came at the most appropriate and relevant of times for me.  I encourage all of you to check out their blogs, if you have not before, and look at their recent posts about these topics.  It is inspiring to read the stories of people who have overcome these negative feelings and learned to love and accept themselves.  I desperately want to get to that point.  I want to be an inspiration to other people who have or will walk in my shoes.  I just need to get over the hurdle I'm experiencing now.

I think this is one of the things I love most about blogging.  I have connected with insightful, beautiful, and confident women of all shapes and sizes.  They have shared their wisdom with me and have been brave enough to expose themselves.  They appreciate personal style but acknowledge that there are real people and feelings behind the clothing they wear.  I have learned their stories and now, it is my turn to share mine.

Linking up with Literate & Stylish for the Pantone Color Challenge today :)

On Friendships

Shirt: Old Navy Blazer: Target Pants: NY&C Scarf: From Mom Flats: Payless

As I mentioned on Friday, I took a student to a conference this weekend in Minneapolis.  It wound up being a fantastic weekend, full of laughing and learning, and I'm so glad I was able to go!  The best part of the whole conference, for me, was running into an old friend who I went to undergraduate college with.  She and I haven't seen each other in almost two years now, even though we only live an hour away from each other.  With things like Facebook and Instagram, it is easy to feel connected even if it's pretty surface level.

Reconnecting with her and spending lots of time with her made me so thoughtful about friendships.  I'm an incredibly loyal friend.  Once I become friends with someone, I stay friends with them, as long as our relationship adds something to my life.  I have had too many "friendships" that I poured my heart and soul into, only to find out they were not strong friendships to begin with.  Because of my poor history of choosing friends who walk all over me and don't care about me, I've been so reflective lately about which relationships I want to continue to foster and invest the time and energy into.  I'm not the kind of person who needs or wants a ton of friends - I'm content with a few super close friends.  However, I'm very introverted and pretty shy, so it's difficult for me to get to that level of closeness with friends.

I think my lifestyle and personality are what make it so hard.  I'm 25 and have been married for 3 years.  I keep hearing people talk about how dumb it is for people to get married young, or how getting married before the age of 25 is like leaving the party before 10:00.  I may be married, but I'm still a highly independent woman (that's one of the things that Kevin and I have really focused on in our relationships - having identities outside of each other), and I don't think people understand that.  I also am not your typical mid-twenties graduate student.  While most of my classmates enjoy going out to bars on weekends, I am not into that scene at all.  Sure, I enjoy a good Crispin cider every so often, but I'm not interested in getting drunk or babysitting drunk friends.

The kinds of friends and relationships I am interested in, however, include people with whom I can experience life.  I want to talk with people about our lives, our struggles, our joys...the things we do for fun, what we think about the world, what we want in our futures...people I can laugh with and cry with and feel comfortable with.  For me, friendships that center around simply going to the movies or frequenting the bars don't have the solid foundation that is so important to me.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this...I just have been mulling over these thoughts for so long and needed a place to put them.  Do any of you have similar struggles with friendships?  For those of you who are married, have your friendships changed since you got married?  Do you have those few friends you can count on for anything?  I want to know! :)